Wednesday, October 10, 2012

{The Last Nine Months}

You know that point in your life where your life becomes so pathetic you don't even want to share it with an anonymous group of strangers online? Yea, me either.

Good news, I'm back and I can catch you up on the last nine months of my life pretty quickly:

  • Rented fabulous condo - check.
  • Stalked and harassed by ex-boyfriend of seven years new girlfriend - check.
  • Gained employment - check.
  • Cancelled membership after numerous dates with possible serial killers - check.
  • Spent the night on the floor of my assistant's bathroom hugging the toilet {twice} - check.
  • Received membership to JDate courtesy of Jewish mother as a birthday present to herself - check.

That pretty much sums things up.

HauteMessinHollywood -

Sunday, January 22, 2012

{Stalker Much?}

Remember when AOL was actually cool? I spent hours gossiping with my girlfriends on IM during my junior high days. I also remember my mom warning me not to talk to strangers on the Internet, "Under no circumstances respond to someone you don't know. Do not give them your age/sex/location. They will find you and you will die." Ok, maybe it didn't go exactly like that...

Fast forward about fifteen years and mom's warning continues to haunt me. Friday night an online date decided it would be fun to call me nine times in forty five minutes. Stalker much?

Beyond the initial shock of watching my iPhone screen light up every three seconds, the whole thing grew even more entertaining when he texted, "Your phone must have a problem...Hi."

No, my phone does not have a problem. I'm just avoiding your calls because you are insane. Congratulations, mom. You were right all along. I should have listened.

- HauteMessinHollywood -

Sunday, January 15, 2012

{Short Man Syndrome}

I'm slowly beginning to understand why some women end up alone with fifteen cats. They probably grew tired of receiving messages like these from online suitors:

Do you think generally women get mad when a short man approaches her? Like they see him coming and say to themselves "Oh hell, how am I going to get out of this? I guess I'll tell him I already have a boyfriend."

I have officially accepted that online dating is a bust and I am paying $20 a month for mindless entertainment and material for my blog.

- HauteMessinHollywood -

Thursday, January 5, 2012

{Nope, He's Just Old}

Last night I went on a second date with the forty year old. There will not be a third date. Age is officially more than just a number.

The moments I realized my date was too old for me:

1. He used the word "keister."
2. He printed out directions to the restaurant because he didn't know how to work his iPhone.
3. When the waitress asked if he'd like another drink he responded, "No thanks, it's a school night."
4. He ordered for me. {Hello, is this 1953?}
5. He mentioned watching news coverage of the Iran-Contra affair as a teenage while recovering from a tonsillectomy. I realized I was two at this time.

In other news, my mom told me she thinks I'm too critical of others.

- HauteMessinHollywood -

Monday, January 2, 2012

{Old School. Old Fashioned. Or Just Old?}

Is age really just a number?

This weekend I went on a date with a forty year old. I'm twenty-seven.

Yes, I had a good time. He was attractive, fit, and had a full head of hair. But hello, 4-0!

Am I crazy for agreeing to go on a second date?

- HauteMessinHollywood -

Wednesday, December 21, 2011

{Cupcakes > Salad}

I try and eat healthy, really I do. Unfortunately I moved within walking distance of the most amazing cupcakery and so sometimes - tonight for example - my dinner consists of a cupcake or two.

Maybe something to work on in 2012?New Year's Resolutions:
1. Watch less reality TV.
2. Shop less and save more.
3. Address cupcake addiction.

What are your New Year's Resolutions?...and unlike me will you actually keep them?

- HauteMessinHollywood -

Sunday, December 18, 2011

{I'm Allergic to Bad Dates}

I spent several hours trying to draft the perfect post to describe my date last night, but gave up after several failed attempts to fully relay its glory.

In the end, my evening can be best summarized in just a few sentences.

I faked an allergic reaction to escape a bad {second} date.

Imagine a man slaving over a stove to make you rack of lamb, garlic bread, and pasta with homemade sauce...meanwhile, you are pretending to itch uncontrollably - turning bright red in the process - and politely excuse yourself go home and take a Benadryl.

I might have also texted him a photo of my recent allergy test results to seal the deal after I safely made it home.

And this people is why I shouldn't be allowed to date - or vote.

- HauteMessinHollywood -